Overdue

I can't believe that I waited 26 days to post something new on this blog, especially considering that I thought I would do almost daily updates. I realized last night that I do a lot of my "journaling" in my mind. Not everything sticks and stays, but I like to think that what's most important tends to keep in there. Maybe not.

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The greatest compliment that I've ever received was that I would be a great father one day. I wonder if that's why I want to be a teacher so badly. The essence of being a good father (at least in my opinion) involves a love for your child(ren) that supersedes your own wants and needs. But is that necessarily true? It's the type of love I've seen from my parents, a sacrificial love that I wish to characterize my relationships.

Even as I continue to contemplate how "religious" I truly am, the scripture that has continued to influence me is: "Greater no love hath no one than this, that one lays down one's life for one's friends" (John 15:13). If life is our greatest gift, then the perfect love asks we be willing to give that up for those we love. Jesus goes on tells his disciples: "This I command you, that you love one another" (John 15:17).

I'm not good at many things. When job applications ask me what my skills and hobbies are, the list is short: writing, reading, basketball, public speaking, dancing. Even now I can't think of things I could say I've mastered. But I do believe that God gave me an uncanny ability to empathize. Imagine if I put "empathy" as one of my skills! But really, it seems like I feel the pain of others pretty intensely; I probably cry more often than any person I know.

I used to think of this as a weakness, that I couldn't control my emotions, which would make me erratic and schizophrenic. But after really observing myself in states of empathetic sorrow, I thank God for making me "weak". The anger and sorrow that comes from my inability to control my emotions has been the driving force behind what I want to do with my life. I say I want to be a teacher or work in education or whatever, and I think I want to do these things because it has been the way in which I could manifest my empathy the best. But to be honest, I just want to spend my life loving other people. My family. My friends. Everyone. I know it sounds cliché and unrealistic, but love has been what I have been searching for my entire life, and it is only very recently that I realized that one receives love if one gives it. I believe that each person is given a purpose, and I believe mine is simply to love others, in a way as close as possible to the perfect love that Christ displayed for us.

[Hahaha, I'm crying now as I write this... Surprise, surprise.]

I've always wanted to be a hero. I always thought that my desire to jump on a grenade to save my platoon, or to jump in after a drowning person, or to push someone out of the way of a speeding bus, was a selfish desire to achieve that ultimate distinction of being a hero. And maybe it is, there's no way I can tell if I'm being completely selfish in that way. But the more I look at it, I think my desire to do these things comes from wanting my life to mean something, even if it was defined through death. I want to do these things because I want my life to be defined by love, and if possible, the ultimate love. The kind that Saint Paul speaks of, the love that is kind, patient, knows not of pride, does not dwell in injury, and that is unconditional and eternal. A sacrificial love. The love I feel from my parents when I realize they could have gone on vacations or fancy dates or could have bought themselves nicer things. My dad wanted to be a millionaire by the time he was 35, but wouldn't risk my family's financial security because he knew his dream had to come second to his children's future. My mom wants to be an interior designer, but works at a job she doesn't like all that much because our family needs her income to maintain our lifestyle and to pay for mine and my sisters' educations. They've given up so much for me, and while their manifestation of love isn't quite what Christ described, they gave up (maybe dedicated is a better word) their lives in a different way, because they loved my sisters and me.

I want to be heroes like my parents are heroes. I don't want to be Superman. I just want to be a father, and to spread that love to as many people as I can, especially to my children.